Now by request! With acronyms!

A good friend requested a post here. Apparently my ridiculous rants get her through the day - it takes all kinds, I guess. And at first, I thought... hmm what would I write about? Things have been doable. Well doable after a visit to my therapist and mid-afternoon alcoholic treats, but still doable.

And then I remembered. THE MEDIA GUY I HATE. Now media people... relax. I also have a media guy that I LOVE. And generally, I am all about my media peeps. They work hard, the stay late, the fight with vendors and they share all their delicious food. Although I do need to write a strongly worded letter about the freebies that never trickle down.

But this one guy... oh this guy.

GAH.

You know when working with someone makes you dream of a career change to shoveling shit? No? Oh well that's because you haven't worked with THE MEDIA GUY THAT I HATE.

Why do I hate said media guy? He doesn't do his job. Look, maybe I was spoiled by MGTIL. He's amazing. Should have been promoted to MGTIH's position. And I have said so - REPEATEDLY.

Now you're thinking: You don't work in media. You don't know. Well dearest reader and lifelong friend, you're right. Because I can't judge someone who does a job I have never done. All valid.

Except I can. When you sit in a meeting on Christmas Eve and someone asks you about our current print buy and your response is "Oh yeah... I don't really know print. So I really have no idea."

DUDE. THAT IS YOUR JOB. YOUR JOB. You have been on this account FOR SIX MONTHS. And you don't know?!?!?!? And why don't you know?! Oh yeah - MGTIL RAN THIS ACCOUNT while you paid no attention. ZERO. NADA. FAIL. MEDIA GUY FAIL.

Oh and this little scenario? Pushed me over the edge.

Me: MGTIH, can you please tell me where I can find the media flowchart X?

MGTIH: We don't do those anymore.

Me: I need to find [insert something you should know]. Can you help me with that?

MGTIH: Well there's no easy answer to that.

Me (on the inside): REALLY?! BECAUSE MGTIL KNEW THAT SHIT COLD.

Me (earning my place in heaven): "Is it really?"

MGTIH: Here. I will send you the folder path to the buy authorizations and you can figure it out.

ME: NOW GETTING SO MAD I CAN BARELY FUCKING HOLD IT IN.

Internet - I don't read buy authorizations. Do you know WHY I don't read buy authorizations? B/C I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THEM. And did I open those buy authorizations and PAGE THROUGH 40000 lines of data to find my answer. I did. Because I need the information. Information he SHOULD KNOW. Or at least be able to find easily with a mother-fucking flowchart.

Today he sat in a chair and whined about how the client's projects always start small and get bigger. Um, yeah. That's every client douchery doo - where the fuck have you been?

Lord. I am irate all over again. And I cannot end this post irate.

So... puppies, flowers and booze.

There. All better.

Mad Men sitch looking good now

This week is "I-wish-I-stayed-home-and-babies" week. I have a hatred-pit in my stomach and every time I try to move forward on a project I get shot down by my personal favorite - lack of motherfucking communication. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.....I spent the afternoon spewing vitriol to my producer and another fellow minion.

Then one of our ADs stalked past me looking for her main creative who was missing an important client meeting (try not to be shocked). I realized right there that my job is about hunting people down - scheduling meetings, hounding clients, pushing production folks to meet deadlines. Why this came as a shock I don't know. But when the AD (who is a delight) marched past me barking for the GCD, I just thought Holy Shit. This is forever.

And then I took the next logical step... if this will always be this way, does it make more sense for me to run a family & a house? Sure, it's just as thankless and frustrating. But at least my husband won't come home and say "Hey can you do a face sheet for clients that you don't know? I mean, I know I have an admin and all but you would love this fool's errand!"

Yes. Having children and staying at home is not easy. And NOT fun. But sometimes, the mom grass is a little greener. Which is why I call it the "stay-home-and-have-babies" WEEK. Or mood, if you prefer. Next week I will go visit a good friend with an undoubtedly gorgeous child that refuses to sleep or has learned to scream the word "NO" or poops all over their crib regularly and I will think OH THANK GOD MY CREATIVE TEAM DOESN'T POOP IN THEIR OFFICE.

Moments of Untapped Babysitting

I have a new role.

"Your new role is to manage a project from beginning to end."

Ok. Now we pretty much do this anyway but there used to be another person running the show internally. We worked together to manage both the whiny client and the coddled creative team. Sometimes you and your creative babysitter are besties. You make nice nice when you can, piss each other off when necessary and generally just keep the bullshit moving. And more often than not you worked around them, making deals with creative & studio and paying zero attention to the schedules lovingly created. They hate that. Like REALLY hate that. But the bottom line always ends up with keeping the bullshit moving.

I just heard that my internal creative babysitter used to make TO-DO lists for some of her creatives. REALLY?! Are you not a grown person who can handle their responsibilities? Christ almighty I may as well have kids - I see the ass-wiping question coming any day now.

There's nothing I love more than doing the job of two people. Except when it's the job of 3 people. Because why not? Who doesn't want to do 3X the amount of work and then NOT GET PAID FOR IT. My sup suffers from a pretty awful condition that has her laid up right now. Laid up to the tune of 4-6 weeks. It's scary shit. And as much as I wish I had some backup, she needs to rest and heal. I know that. My font boss knows that. Everyone knows that.

However ...

Does this prevent my sup from calling me and BOOKING THEIR PTO?! Why no. No it doesn't. Because when you are on medical leave why not book some more time off through your up-to-their-eyeballs-in-work minion? And no, it's not for surgery or some really important medical procedure. It's for a ticket - to Seattle. Because sup only had 2 days left to book the free ticket and couldn't I just open the calendar and put the time in? The rest will be worked out later.

Internet, I almost lost it. Thank God we spoke through chat rather than over the phone. Hand to God I would have hung up on her and promptly thrown myself out a window.

What was my original rant?

Ah, yes. My new role. My new role is now ICB (Internal Creative Babysitter) and MWC (Manages Whiny Client). Added to that whatever my sup was working on before her brain exploded (theatrical drama people - her head DID NOT explode). In addition to a new role for which I am in no way being compensated, there's also new software! It will replace emails! Angels sing whenever you open it! The Creative team will be responsible for checking it themselves! Insert record screech here....

Wednesday I spend 45 minutes sending out revisions to an ad through the ANGELS SINGING system.

Thursday morning- ping email from creative: What was I supposed to do to that headline?

Me: It's in the revisions I sent yesterday.

Creative: I didn't see any revisions

Me: I sent you an alert through the ANGLES SINGING software. Did you get it?

Creative: I have no idea.

ICB activated.

Tidbits of Untapped Bravery

Can someone please explain to me why changing printer toner is difficult? Further, adding paper to the EMPTY printer drawers ranks amongst one of the most difficult jobs EVER. A paper jam? CALL THE SECRET SERVICE.

My font boss called one of his underlings ACROSS THE AGENCY and asked him to print the agenda and then bring it to him. After I called him out he explained that the printer "is of the devil"

Really? You think Satan would bring us something that scans & emails in both color and b&w?

Interesting. (May I point out that this is someone entirely different from the person in my previous post. It's an epidemic)

So yesterday I was in our little cube that holds both the mamma-jamma copier/printer and the simple black & white LaserJet when I noticed that the b&w was running low. I opened the cabinet and pulled down the box of toner. And from behind me I hear,

"Oh you're going to try and change the printer toner? Girl you are BRAVE."

Is the printer going to attempt to block my attempt of changing it's toner with a battle cry and flying spears? Are there teeny snipers perched on the top most cabinet ready to fill me with teeny little bullets should I dare improve upon their master's printing ability?

Because if there is, our office service people don't get paid enough.

It's a printer. There are directions. When you READ them, you receive the SECRET KNOWLEDGE OF TONER.

Typical

I get this from someone in the building. As in... the same building I am currently sitting in:

Could you possibly bring me a hard copy of all most recent batch 1 and 2 comps?

Let me just point out that there are about 7 or 8 color printers on my side of the building ALONE. One of which, hilariously, is closer to their office than mine.

Apparently, their printer function is broken.

FML.

A quick rant then back to work ...

Competitive analysis is stupid, boring and fairly irrelevant.
This may have something to do with the fact that I suck so incredibly much at it.

Come on over to discuss. What I want you to note about what I've done is tied this FSI and the analysis of it back to issues we discussed internally. You've laid out observations but take it one step further and provide some commentary and analysis.

Shut up.

Really? Does anyone care? Nope. Will it change the ridiculous crap that our client wants to put in our FSIs? No. Will it effect their share? Or lower their churn? Nope. SURE THE FUCK WON'T.

OK. I am done with the competitive rant.

Your Font, Your Self

Let me be the first to say - I love fonts.
Ridiculous fonts. Clean fonts. Cursive-y fonts. All of 'em. Choosing my font in my IM window took quite a bit of time. And I hate GChat and Gmail just a bit because they do not give me the plethora of fonts I enjoy. See? Not kidding about loving fonts.

A while back I had myself a little chat with my account director. I love the use of that word - chat. Like a bit of conversation rather than a gentle ass-reaming. In my agency the word "chat" has many different tonal uses. Just assume the "chat" is going to be about something YOU did wrong and you're OK.

I digress...

I hadn't worked with my account director all that much. Fresh from two major account losses, he was ready to kick ass and take names. Frankly, I like him - then and now. Like any old guard there are quirks. But all in all, the job gets done and the client rejoices.

I struggled with getting thrown into the deep end with an anvil on my ankle and not a lick of swimming ability. The learning curve with zero training is much longer than one with some training. He talked to me about getting promoted, what I needed to do and generally was supportive, interested and helpful.
Then the conversation wrapped up as such:
Him (vehement): "I hate the purple"
Me (confused): "Um, what?"
Him (getting more agitated by the word): "The purple font. I HATE IT."
Me (still confused): "Ohhh-kay"
Him (aggresively inquisitive):"How do you feel about it? Obviously you CHOSE it, so you like it. But I have to tell you, I HATE IT."
Me (getting the picture):"Clearly. I can change it you know."
Him (going all account director on me):"I don't want to tell you what to do. I just want you to realize what your font is saying. I mean, when you send an email ALL I SEE is PURPLE. No one will take you seriously with purple font."

Let me interrupt this clearly heartfelt moment to say that I have a client that sends emails in text language. Fun bits such as Thx, u, ur IN BUSINESS EMAILS. But purple words complete with correct spelling and grammar causes shame and humiliation.

Me (annoyed and ready to get this over with): "Erm, OK. I WILL CHANGE IT."
Him (Now too into my Outlook choices): "What about your font? What does that font say in an email?"
Me (see status above): "Are you asking me what Arial Narrow says about me as a person? As an employee? As a representative of the Agency? WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU ASKING ME ABOUT THE FUCKING FONT?!
Him (skeptical and generally hating every email I have ever sent): "Well does it come across how you would like to come across?"
Me (over. it.): "Let's see - it's not in random signs like webdings, people can read it, it's not Arabic." insert pause - "Yeah...no, I'm good."

Really? The font. Not the color (which yes, I changed), THE FONT. So glad we got to the important stuff.